Thanks to President Bush's new tax cut, by my calculations I will be receiving an increase of income that may run into the low tens of dollars per month! So here's my own personal pledge to "get in the spirit" of this latest tax change:
I, Mark Linimon, hereby do solemly swear that Every Cent of this tax cut that I receive will be put to work doing Economic Good. Now, although I'm not exactly certain in what venue it will be put to work, I do know in what way that I pledge it will be put to work, and I have narrowed down the choice of venues to the following:
Now how's that for an economic boost! Back at'cha, Mr. President!
Dear Sirs And Madams:
I just wanted to take this opportunity to respond to the many, many, emails that you have sent me over the past few years about my penis.
While I appreciate your solicitousness about my penis (especially in matters regarding its size, girth, length, thickness, hardness, appearance, agility, ability, circumference, and all the other attributes that you have expressed an interest in but which I have long since forgotten), I want to assure you that it has not occurred to me, personally, to be concerned about any of these matters since I was an adolescent. (I can only assume it is normal to be concerned about such things as an adolescent; however, I assumed that after adolescence, it was no longer considered normal to be concerned about them. Apparently, from all the email you have sent me, I am beginning to worry that my assumption might be incorrect).
Further, as anyone who has met me in person recently can assure you, I am not an adolescent; nor, truth be told, have I been an adolescent for a considerable period of time.
In fact, we can state that in this case "a considerable period of time" spans more than a quarter century. (That's 25 (twenty-five) years for those of you who are so mathematically obsessed.)
Let me make further note of your most recent product offerings: in this, I mean the one ones dealing with "Your cock scaring people!"
Frankly, when I am in an intimate situation, I cannot possibly think of anything that I would less rather want to occur. The only response that I can visualize involves a woman, running screaming, out of my bedroom. This is not what my dreams are made of; it seems much more likely fodder for what my worst nightmares are made of, perhaps after eating some spoiled cottage cheese or something.
The only other scenario I can imagine that would involve "my cock scaring people" would no doubt promptly lead to an extended period of incarceration. This by no means seems desireable, and does not fit into either my short-term or long-term plans. Further, there would be the problem of "my cock scaring" my fellow inmates, a terrifying situation that I would much rather avoid thinking about.
One final note: even during my adolescence, I do not ever recall being concerned about the size or shape of my testicles. I am not sure I have even heard of anyone who had this concern. No, no, that's fine, there is no need to enlighten me on this issue; I assure you that my ignorance, in this case, is indeed bliss.
So, to summarize, I thank you for all the interest you have shown in my penis to date, but now feel that I can freely release you from any self-imposed obligations that you may have felt to express such interest. There is no need to contact me in the future about my penis; or, for that matter, any other Special Offers that you may have reserved Just For Me. I will be content to contemplate my penis in its current, unchanged, state as I sit surrounded by items that were only purchased through the means of Regular Offers.
Yours ever so very sincerely,
Mark Linimon
Thanks to OSHA, I may now lie on my bed and rest safe and secure in the knowledge that someone, somewhere, near me is moving a piece of heavy machinery in reverse.
Thanks to OSHA, however, I may not now lie on my bed and actually sleep on it.
So Microsoft has paid off SCO. The marketeers in Redmond must be laughing so hard they're about to foul their pants. Whatever they paid, it's the biggest bargain of FUD-for-the-dollar that they ever got -- much more so than any hundred press releases. (For those uninitiated to the Ways Of Marketing: the best way to get people to buy your product, instead of your competitors', is to spread Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt about the competing products.)
Of course, the timing of the shredding of the court documents relating to the long-ago lawsuit between the two of them (going on the deal was signed) is completely coincidental.
And they get all this value without any of the nasty hassles with those antitrust people. By whom, I mean the attorneys general of the various states -- the Justice (sic) Department certainly doesn't care.
From SCO:
"Of the $21.0 million in anticipated second-quarter revenue, approximately $12.8 million is expected to come from the sale of its operating system platform products, and $8.2 million is expected to come from its SCOsource licensing initiative."
From Edgar: (figures in $K):
"OTHER ASSETS: Intangibles, net: 10,473" versus "Total stockholders’ equity: 8,003"
Translation for those who haven't taken any accounting:
Out of the current book value per share of $0.67, approximated $0.88 of that is its intellectual property -- at what they value it.
Finally, to further poke them in the eye, from Yahoo:
Management Effectiveness: Return on Equity (trailing 12 months): -109.27%
Executive Summary from Mark Linimon:
He's dead, Jim.
It's all so clear. Why didn't I see it before?
He was there to look for Weapons Of Mass Destruction ... in Al Capone's Vault.
I would like to announce that my next trick will be to invent a "WYSIWTF?" text editor.
Oh wait, there are plenty of those already. Never mind.