Dear Sirs And Madams:
I just wanted to take this opportunity to respond to the many, many, emails that you have sent me over the past few years about my penis.
While I appreciate your solicitousness about my penis (especially in matters regarding its size, girth, length, thickness, hardness, appearance, agility, ability, circumference, and all the other attributes that you have expressed an interest in but which I have long since forgotten), I want to assure you that it has not occurred to me, personally, to be concerned about any of these matters since I was an adolescent. (I can only assume it is normal to be concerned about such things as an adolescent; however, I assumed that after adolescence, it was no longer considered normal to be concerned about them. Apparently, from all the email you have sent me, I am beginning to worry that my assumption might be incorrect).
Further, as anyone who has met me in person recently can assure you, I am not an adolescent; nor, truth be told, have I been an adolescent for a considerable period of time.
In fact, we can state that in this case "a considerable period of time" spans more than a quarter century. (That's 25 (twenty-five) years for those of you who are so mathematically obsessed.)
Let me make further note of your most recent product offerings: in this, I mean the one ones dealing with "Your cock scaring people!"
Frankly, when I am in an intimate situation, I cannot possibly think of anything that I would less rather want to occur. The only response that I can visualize involves a woman, running screaming, out of my bedroom. This is not what my dreams are made of; it seems much more likely fodder for what my worst nightmares are made of, perhaps after eating some spoiled cottage cheese or something.
The only other scenario I can imagine that would involve "my cock scaring people" would no doubt promptly lead to an extended period of incarceration. This by no means seems desireable, and does not fit into either my short-term or long-term plans. Further, there would be the problem of "my cock scaring" my fellow inmates, a terrifying situation that I would much rather avoid thinking about.
One final note: even during my adolescence, I do not ever recall being concerned about the size or shape of my testicles. I am not sure I have even heard of anyone who had this concern. No, no, that's fine, there is no need to enlighten me on this issue; I assure you that my ignorance, in this case, is indeed bliss.
So, to summarize, I thank you for all the interest you have shown in my penis to date, but now feel that I can freely release you from any self-imposed obligations that you may have felt to express such interest. There is no need to contact me in the future about my penis; or, for that matter, any other Special Offers that you may have reserved Just For Me. I will be content to contemplate my penis in its current, unchanged, state as I sit surrounded by items that were only purchased through the means of Regular Offers.
Yours ever so very sincerely,
Mark Linimon
Posted by mark at May 27, 2003 07:07 PM